Believing differently

Tonight I had several opportunities to act like the person you need me to be, in order for you to keep blaming me for everything, thus justifying your lack of responsibility for being who you need to be.

I conducted myself with dignity and respect for myself and those around me. I didn't fall into your trap and I wasn't afraid. I might even have been a little amused.

You once destroyed me, or so I thought. The very concept of "rock bottom" never occurred to me until you led me there (clueless lemming that I was, but then again you didn't know where you were taking me, either).

After you, I didn't think I could make it on my own. I didn't have faith that I had been worth much to start with, and what little worth I had was shaken.

You tried to get me to believe for 2 years that I was the one with the problems, and that I was the problem. You used my imperfections to cover your own culpability, and I let you do it. My mistake was believing you could forgive, without realizing that, in doing so, you would uncover your own stuff that you try so hard to hide. If you didn't have me to blame anymore, all you'd have left is... you...

So, in a way, this is a thanks. Tonight, I am reminded that I was already strong, and good, to begin with. Your doubt and inactivity made me powerful. It makes me a little sad to think of how much further I, or we, could have traveled, had you believed in me (and yourself) instead.

This is the toughest that my life has ever been, but not only do I believe I can make it, I know I will.

I still pray for you. You didn't believe in me, but I forgive you and still believe that there is good in store for you.

Though I tried until my will gave out, I couldn't save you. But one day, you will be saved.