how can i stand by and watch a heart break?

i have a pretty good memory
but even i can't remember when you saw your babies last
i saw you out with your friends at the bar last night
on a night that is supposed to be one of "your nights" to have the kids at your place
you didn't even bother to call to say you weren't coming to get them
but i already knew. you've done it before.
your beautiful baby turned 5 months old last week
i think you've held him a total of 20 times. maybe less.
i don't even tell them that you're coming anymore, because you never do
you don't even know how many times he wakes up asking for you
or how many times he's called you from my phone and you don't answer
or how hard it is for me to hold him with sobs wracking both our bodies
because he misses you so much and wants to know when you're coming home
because he wants a mommy and a daddy like Caillou
or the look on his face
when he sees a kid on his dad's shoulders walking down the street
or a loving family with mom and dad and kids playing at the park
how it feels for me to know that alone i can never be enough
because he wants and needs a dad
thank god i'm teaching him to understand his feelings
sad. mad. disappointed. frustrated. he knows what they all mean.
thank god i'm teaching them what a family is and does
and that "silly mommy" will always take care and catch them when they fall
and someday maybe you'll thank me that i tell them every day how much you love them
because most days, they still believe me
even though i don't think i believe anymore
but you still have a chance

i might never have a chance to heal my own broken heart
as long as i watch theirs break over and over

so i wonder, is this is all in the name of punishing me

and remind me, what did i do that was so bad that they deserve this?

*********

You know it tears me up inside
to see the feelings that you hide
Hide inside that empty bottle
I wish you saw how great you were
I wish you saw what life was worth
You wouldn't have to hide your problems
And I don't care what you might think
I think you've had too much to drink
Can't even talk when you're this way

Run away, run away
But that won't make it any better
Run away, run away
And make tomorrow harder to live than today

There's so much out there you could miss
there's so much life out there to live
If you would just believe in yourself
You know you're better than all of this
you know you've got so much to give
But you're so afraid to give of yourself

There's a bright light shining inside you
it shines out through your eyes
Don't drown it away, don't be afraid, don't hide
Let it shine

You say you're looking for happiness
but when it comes, you run away from it
You tell yourself you don't deserve it
There's not much more that I can do now the rest is up to you
Until you love yourself, you'll never change
You'll keep on running
Until you deal with today
--Plain White Ts "Shine"