Anniversary 9/18/09

2.5 years post-divorce, today would have been my 10th anniversary. I am celebrating myself by starting an 8-week divorce recovery workshop.

12 years ago, in a pretty amazing (almost impossible) set of coincidences, I met him.

11 years ago, the stars aligned and we were engaged.

10 years ago, our wedding day is still the happiest memory of my life, even knowing what I know now.

6 years ago, carrying our first child, surviving the most difficult year of my life thus far, I started to see the writing on the wall.

4 years ago, 2005, my eyes opened to how I was being used, mistreated, humiliated and lied to by a selfish, sad, addicted coward.

3 years ago, 2006, I was desperate, alone, a pregnant single mom of a 2-year-old with nowhere to live and almost no faith left. I had left him but was clinging so fiercely to the idea that this couldn't be my reality.

2 years ago, 2007, finally divorced, I was the single mom of a 3 y.o. and an infant. Trying to hang onto a house and many other responsibilities that were too big and bulky. Finding hope in a job with a company that could only be described as merciful. Still feeling tears, grief, humiliation and regret and anger on behalf of myself and my children. Indignant.

1 year ago, 2008, I had to let go of the house, but I lost the burden, too. I knew I had given everything I possibly could.

Today, I am a better, stronger and wiser woman, mother and person than I ever was before. I know that I didn't deserve what happened to me, and my kids especially didn't deserve to suffer because of someone else's selfishness.

I'm only starting to understand the great lessons that I will pass on to my kids.

Sometimes you have no choice but to hang your head in shame at the things you've done. When you can finally haul yourself vertical again, admit what you did and bust your butt to make things right.

One of the hardest things to understand is why some people don't do the above. Forgive them anyway. It doesn't mean you have to let them back into your life to hurt you again.

Time forms scabs over all wounds. Even if they break open, they will start to heal all over again. But don't keep poking them open or they won't heal right and you'll have an ugly scar.

Cry. It's cathartic.

Back up your words with your actions. Words are meaningless if you don't do what you say you'll do.

Open your eyes, wide, to the great gifts given to you every minute of every day. Find your ability to feel joy and gratitude for even the simplest deep breath of fresh air.

You can do almost anything you put your mind to. You can't control what other people do. But you can find a way around almost any obstacle. If you can't do that, see below...

Some things weren't meant to be. Some things were illusions all along. Some things, you thought you wanted but you didn't need.

Never regret trying and failing, if you gave it your all.

It's always OK to access good memories, no matter how things worked out in the end.

Don't forget to thank your true friends, even belatedly.

Say what you need to say. It's better to say too much, than never to say what you need to say again (ok, I stole that one)

Help others who are where you were a few years ago. You'll know when you have the strength to do it.

Remember who it is you want to be, and who you were meant to be. Never take your eyes, mind or heart off of that truth.

***

How many times should we forgive one who sins against us ? Not seven times, but seventy times seven.
Matthew 18:21

moving on

The kids and I are moving to Saline on July 10. I've known since November that we would be moving in July, and the final details are almost in place now.

I promised myself long ago that I would do this move the right way - that I'd start 3 months ahead of time packing, purging, selling stuff on Craigslist. Of course, now I'm one month out and I've maybe packed one box.

I've spent many nights trying to get to sleep and worrying about how little I've done, and what a daunting task is ahead of me. I've turned on the TV and sat like a lump, while inside my head my organized, productive, efficient alter-ego screams at me to get off my butt and do something. I've made plans with friends on Tuesday nights when I had a babysitter, instead of taking advantage of the childless time to pack. I've complained and whined about having to do this all alone.

Like many other things in my life, this job will probably get done at the last minute, resulting in exhaustion and frustration for all concerned. The worst result of this won't even be the tiredness or disorganization, it will be that I won't have taken the care to bring only the things with me to the new house, that I really want to be there. The reality is that this move will happen no matter what I do (whether my stuff moves to the new house in garbage bags, or gets put out on the curb by the sheriff), and I am the only one who can make it happen the right way. I am determined to bring only love and new opportunities with me to that house, and to leave pain and tears and grief and crushed dreams behind. But the job isn't going to get done unless I just get down and do it.

Today I was reading "Praying Our Goodbyes," an amazing book by Joyce Rupp. I realized that all of the excuses and reasons I can give for not having done any of the work up to this point boil down to one simple fact: I am still not ready to let go. I haven't been able to drag that one remaining foot out of the past. The more I purge, donate or sell, the more of my memories I feel like I am going to lose, like someone ripping a security blanket out of my arms.

I need to change this pattern, and to treat this opportunity as the very great gift that I know it is. This job is not too big for me to handle! Please pray for my courage, and for me to finally be ready to say (and pray) my goodbyes.

***

I give you praise, God of my journey,
for the power of love, the discovery of friends, the truth of beauty
for the wonder of growth, the kindling of fidelity, the taste of transformation
for the miracle of life, the seed of my soul, the gift of becoming
for the taste of the littly dyings which have strengthened me for this moment
for the mystery of journey, the bends in the road, the pauses that refresh
for the faith that lies deep enough to permeate discouragement and anxiety

I give you thanks, God of my journey,
for all I have learned from the life of Jesus of how to say goodbye
for those who have always stood near me and given me spiritual energy
for your strength on which I can lean and your grace by which I can grow
for the desire to continue on, for believing that your power works through me
for being able to love so deeply, so tenderly, so truly
for feeling my poorness, my emptiness, my powerlessness
for believing that you will care for me in my vulnerability

I ask forgiveness, God of my journey,
for holding on too tightly
for refusing to be open to new life
for fighting off the dying that's essential for growing
for insisting that I must be secure and serene
for ignoring your voice when you urged me to let go
for taking in all the goodness but being reluctant to share it
for doubting my inner beauty
for resisting the truth of my journey home to you

I beg assistance, God of my journey,
to accept that all of life is only on loan to me
to believe beyond this moment
to accept your courage when mine fails
to recognize the pilgrim part of my heart
to hold all of life in open hands
to treasure all that is gift and blessing
to look at the painful parts of my life and to grow through them
to allow your love to embrace me on the empty and lonely days
to receive the truth of your presence
to trust in the place of "forever hello"
(Joyce Rupp)

you deserve an update, but you’re getting this instead!

I'm not very likely to vote for Hillary Clinton. Politically, I differ from her standpoint on many issues, and though I lean slightly liberal, I won't vote for her *just* because she's a Democrat or a woman. However, I've seen some anti-Hillary messages posted on Facebook pages and elsewhere, and I compelled to say something that's on my mind.

I've seen messages such as:
"Even Bill wants SomeBOOTY else"
"Even Bill Doesn't Want Hillary"
"Sorry Hillary, No Cigar"
"Even Bill doesn't Do Hillary"
"Hillary Sucks More than Monica"

Maybe some think that this is funny, but I'd like to present another perspective.

I'm horrified that anyone would stoop so low as to blame her for her husband's infidelity, much less make her desirability to her (jackass of a) husband a factor in determining her worthiness for Presidency. And notice how the message is that EVEN "said jackass" doesn't want her - he's low, but she's lower than he! I doubt that, were the candidate a man whose high-profile wife had cheated on him, that this type of attack would even see the light of day - because that would just be TOO LOW to go.

What would you say if you saw person in a T-shirt proclaiming "Avoid Becky; even her husband didn't want her!" I'd like to think that, if you know me at all, your first reaction would be that the statement is ridiculous under any circumstances.

Yet, even as a reasonably self-confident woman, I can testify first-hand to the personal anguish caused by infidelity (and the self-recrimination that comes along with it). I still sometimes feel paralyzed in public places by the still-very-fresh pain and humiliation. My inner dialogue, in my worst moments, goes something like, "everyone knew but you," "you couldn't keep your man faithful/satisfied," "he must have had a reason to..." I don't think you can imagine how destructive this is *even to the strongest of people* unless you have been in those shoes. It's horrible not just because of the misdirected self-loathing, but because it absolves the cheater of responsibility for his own actions - "I must have done something to deserve this..."

And I didn't have anyone putting ads on their Myspace pages, or bumper stickers on their cars, proclaiming this - my own brain alone created enough of those messages to have an incredibly damaging effect on my self-esteem, my boundaries and my ability to have healthy relationships.

The idea that Hillary's pain should be mocked in a way that degrades her sexually, and that someone would think it's OK to publicly and unabashedly claim that she's "so awful that even her husband doesn't want to have sex with her," and think that this has ANYTHING to do with her fitness to be elected, MAKES ME SICK.

Does anyone actually think that displaying something like this on a Facebook page would make any slightly-more-aware-than-comatose person perk up and say "oh! I see how important of an issue this is, and I definitely won't vote for her now! thanks for setting me straight before I made a huge mistake!" Or if they're merely trying to show solidarity with other anti-Hillaryites, is this really the issue they agree is the basis of their dislike?

When this is all said and done, I hope that she isn't President, but I know for sure that she WILL be a hero to me, for shouldering with dignity the nasty baggage that people heap upon her.

To those of you who know me and have this offensive crap on your t-shirts, coffee mugs, Facebooks, Myspaces and the bumpers of your cars - think about what you're really saying, ok?

a little update

I went to hear Maya Angelou speak the other day. She was amazing and I was rapt for the entire hour that she spoke, sang and read poetry. She said something that I wrote down on the back of my ticket stub so I'd remember: Say Yes to Every Good Thing. Think about it!

Referring to my previous blog post, the deed is done... the sheriff's auction is set for Nov. 15. My house will officially belong to someone else as of that day. I'm going to start making a plan to have the house cleared out, get rid of a lot of stuff, etc. I'll need to be out by May 15, which is plenty of time if I stay motivated.

I still cry most days over this, but it's not out of desperation to keep the house (though it would be nice), it's pain over the failure of not being able to do what I set out, and gave my all, to do.

This is another lesson for me to learn... I've feared (and mostly avoided) failure all of my life, and it's time to look that big fat bastard right in the eye this time. I have to step out of my comfort zone and just... fail. And I have to really let myself feel and acknowledge the frustration, helplessness and fear that goes along with that.

There is no shame in having done the absolute best that I could, even when the result isn't what I originally intended.

The kids are really great. I am continually amazed at how wonderfully-behaved and mellow they are, especially in public. Don't get me wrong, I do see my share of screaming and whining and tantrums, but somehow I just lucked out with kids who are thoughtful, obedient and all-around gentlemen.

I've been having a hard time with something that happened to a friend of mine. I won't go into details but this friend's situation is similar to what I went through 2 years ago (I can only pray that the sordid details are at least not as sordid). I want to help my friend and be supportive, but I find myself privately breaking down and reliving my own experience all over again. I am thankful that I know what it truly means to be healing - and grateful that my body, mind and soul will gently remind me that I'm not over it all yet.

I weighed 169 pounds at the doctor the other day. I can't honestly remember when I last weighed that little. I'm happy about it, but there are complications, such as 1. I have had to buy new clothes and 2. when I stop nursing, my weight is likely to balloon unless I have made sincere changes to my lifestyle to offset the difference. I'm trying... but I am not superwoman or supermom yet.

Money is always a worry, but I'm not letting it get me down right now. I've become a better manager of money (although there still isn't ever any) and I am determined to learn more (and to teach the kids). Liam and I are talking about how he will get his own bank account when he turns 4.

I've been lonely. Not that I haven't had friends and family to entertain me and fill my life with joy. And I'm not even complaining about the loneliness. I think that it's better to embrace it and use it as an opportunity to shake things up a little, to live in itchy skin, to find things I like and don't like in myself and not just see my reflection bounced off of another person. I see other lonely people and I realize that we all use loneliness as an excuse to make poor choices. I need to grow up and grow out of that. I need to use being alone as an opportunity to love myself. I need to trust that, even though one particular intimate relationship didn't work out, there will be other successes.

I'm taking the kids to Pittsburgh next weekend for my 10-year grad school reunion and to visit beloved friends. I'm also taking them to NYC Nov 10-13 for a long visit with family and friends. I'm excited to be able to travel with them and show them two of my favorite places in the world.

The kids had professional pictures taken yesterday - I'll post some when I get the proofs!

Sorry I'm only touching on a tiny bit of what's happening in my life, but it was great to finally write some of this down. Show me some love in the comments, would ya? :-)

***

I know what makes me comfortable
I know what makes me tick
And when I need to get my way I know how to pour it on thick
Cream and sugar in my coffee
Right away when I awake
I face the day and pray to God I won't make the same mistakes
Oh the rest is out of my hands

I will learn to let go what I cannot change
I will learn to forgive what I cannot change
I will learn to love what I cannot change
But I will change, I will change
Whatever I, whenever I can

I don't know my father or my mother well enough
It seems like everytime we talk we cant get past the little stuff
The pain is self-inflicting, I know it's not good for my health
But it's easier to please the world than it is to please myself
Oh the rest is out of my hands

I will learn to let go what I cannot change
I will learn to forgive what I cannot change
I will learn to love what I cannot change
But I will change, I will change
Whatever I, whenever I can

Right now I cannot care about how everyone else feels
I have enough hurt of my own to heal

I will learn to let go what I cannot change
I will learn to forgive what I cannot change
I will learn to let go what I cannot change
I will learn to forgive what I cannot change
I will learn to love what I cannot change
But I will change, I will change
Whatever I, whenever I can

-- LeAnn Rimes "What I Can Not Change"

I believe in a better way

I've migrated over to Facebook, and also haven't felt like blogging much.

Things are going OK... I made a very big decision to let my house go into foreclosure. It wasn't a decision made lightly - I tried several times to negotiate with the mortgage company but they were not only unwilling to budge, they were really nasty about it. I have trouble understanding that, but it helped me to make the decision. I have stopped doing all work/projects on the house and won't be painting it or fixing the roof this fall as I had planned. I'm just going to try to save money instead, until I have to be out (sometime next summer, most likely).

It's bittersweet because we had the house for over 6 years and now will have very little to show for it. But there's also an overwhelming feeling of relief because of how hard I was working to keep it up, keep the rooms rented, and scrape money together to get projects done so I could try to sell it... I know that this is hard to believe, but all of that was hard work and I've been kind of tired, what with taking care of 2 kids, being a landlord, having a full-time job and all ;-)

So... as hard as it is to do this, I'm just going to let them take it away. And then I'm going to find us a cheap little apartment somewhere while I catch my breath and grieve and figure out what to do next. I've been seriously considering finding a great opportunity in another state, maybe a year from now. I'm not ready to give up my support network yet! But I do know that this town is quickly becoming too small for ... well, you know the rest. I want to go somewhere and live a life where my and Liam's hearts aren't sad every single day because the mere fact of being here reminds us of what we don't have and don't want. We'll come back when we've healed a little.

Work is going well, and I'm getting out and doing social things on a semi-regular basis, too. I've been connecting with friends and also planning lots of things for the kids to do. My house is a mess and most days I feel guilty that I should be home tidying, but I'm glad that my kids have something fun to do. Yesterday we went to the play area at the mall, and they both had so much fun.

I've lost a lot of weight and fit into a size 12 comfortably... that's a pretty big achievement when I have so much else going on, and I'm very proud about it.

Finn is over 20 pounds, has 4 teeth and is sitting up, crawling and can pull to a standing position. He is happy, snuggly and adorable. He's a mama's boy to the extreme - he wants me holding him all the time. Gets a little frustrating when I'm trying to make dinner, etc.

Liam is also doing wonderfully. He's in swim lessons and I want to do some other kind of lessons this winter, may be ice skating. He's a kind, considerate and generous big brother, and a delight to have as a son.

They are greater gifts than I could ever begin to deserve.

***

I'm a living sunset
Lightning in my bones
Push me to the edge
But my will is stone

Fools will be fools
And wise will be wise
But i will look this world
Straight in the eyes

What good is a man
Who won't take a stand
What good is a cynic
With no better plan

Reality is sharp
It cuts at me like a knife
Everyone i know
Is in the fight of their life

Take your face out of your hands
And clear your eyes
You have a right to your dreams
And don't be denied

I believe in a better way
-- Ben Harper

Anniversary 9/18/07

First anniversary post-divorce.

I lost the perceived security of marriage and shared parenting, financial security and my ability to trust my own judgment.

I gained the freedom to make the choices alone that are best for myself and the kids, and I no longer need to be responsible for the lies, addiction and irresponsibility of another.

The truly important things remain: my kids, family, courage, determination and faith. The future will rest nicely on that very solid foundation.

I am grateful for the distance, but I can summon the pain back as if it were yesterday.

forget everything

If someone says, "To be enlightened you must

fast and pray all night."

Have dinner and go to bed.

If you see a sign, "This way to salvation,"

run the other way.

If someone says,"This Book is the truth,

you can buy it from me."

Take your money and buy grapes and roses.

If someone says, "He's talking tonight,

thousands will be saved."

Go for a walk…listen to the birds

and watch the clouds, and leave

your backpack, your Bible and your Buddha

under a tree and hope

they will be gone when you return.

Where we are going you can't carry anything,

not even your name.

If there is logic in the above,

be afraid, it's a lie.

But if you feel something in your chest

as beautiful as the grass beneath your feet,

be grateful…open your arms

and forget everything

you ever thought you knew.

-- John Squadra

********

somewhere i have never travelled, gladly beyond
any experience,your eyes have their silence:
in your most frail gesture are things which enclose me,
or which i cannot touch because they are too near

your slightest look easily will unclose me
though i have closed myself as fingers,
you open always petal by petal myself as Spring opens
(touching skillfully, mysteriously) her first rose

or if your wish be to close me, i and
my life will shut very beautifully,suddenly,
as when the heart of this flower imagines
the snow carefully everywhere descending;

nothing which we are to perceive in this world equals
the power of your intense fragility: whose texture
compels me with the colour of its countries,
rendering death and forever with each breathing

(i do not know what it is about you that closes
and opens; only something in me understands
the voice of your eyes is deeper than all roses)
nobody, not even the rain, has such small hands

-- ee cummings

*********

In Christian circles we say that sin separates us from God.
The concept of sin is, at its root, the forgetting of who you really are.
When you remember that you are indeed, one with God
and of necessity everyone else, then you do not do those things
that we love to categorize with terms such as 'sin'.
Our forgetfulness separates us.
One of our many illusions.

"Nothing can separate us from the love of God…"

-- ron russo

**********

On the night when you cross the street
from your shop and your house
to the cemetery,
you'll hear me calling you from inside
the open grave, and you'll realize
how we've always been together.
I am the clear consciousness-core
of your being, the same in
ecstasy as in self-hating fatigue.
That night, when you escape the fear of snakebite
and all irritation with the ants, you'll hear
my familiar voice, see the candle being lit,
smell the incense, the surprised meal fixed
by the lover inside all your other lovers.
This heart-tumult is my signal
to you igniting in the tomb.

--Rumi

*******

The boat I travel in is called Surrender.
My two oars are instant forgiveness and gratitude
— complete gratitude for the gift of life.
I am thankful for the experience of this life,
for the opportunity to dance.
I get angry, I get mad,
but as soon as I remind myself
to put my oars in the water,
I forgive.

I serve.
I do the dance I must.
I plant trees,
but I am not the doer of this work.
I am the facilitator, the instrument.
I am one part of the symphony.
I know there is an overall scheme to this symphony
that I cannot understand.
In some way, we are each playing our own part.
It is not for me to judge or criticize the life or work of another.
All I know is that this is my dance.
I would plant trees today
even if I knew for a certainty that the world
would end tomorrow.

-- Balbir Mathur