a little update

I went to hear Maya Angelou speak the other day. She was amazing and I was rapt for the entire hour that she spoke, sang and read poetry. She said something that I wrote down on the back of my ticket stub so I'd remember: Say Yes to Every Good Thing. Think about it!

Referring to my previous blog post, the deed is done... the sheriff's auction is set for Nov. 15. My house will officially belong to someone else as of that day. I'm going to start making a plan to have the house cleared out, get rid of a lot of stuff, etc. I'll need to be out by May 15, which is plenty of time if I stay motivated.

I still cry most days over this, but it's not out of desperation to keep the house (though it would be nice), it's pain over the failure of not being able to do what I set out, and gave my all, to do.

This is another lesson for me to learn... I've feared (and mostly avoided) failure all of my life, and it's time to look that big fat bastard right in the eye this time. I have to step out of my comfort zone and just... fail. And I have to really let myself feel and acknowledge the frustration, helplessness and fear that goes along with that.

There is no shame in having done the absolute best that I could, even when the result isn't what I originally intended.

The kids are really great. I am continually amazed at how wonderfully-behaved and mellow they are, especially in public. Don't get me wrong, I do see my share of screaming and whining and tantrums, but somehow I just lucked out with kids who are thoughtful, obedient and all-around gentlemen.

I've been having a hard time with something that happened to a friend of mine. I won't go into details but this friend's situation is similar to what I went through 2 years ago (I can only pray that the sordid details are at least not as sordid). I want to help my friend and be supportive, but I find myself privately breaking down and reliving my own experience all over again. I am thankful that I know what it truly means to be healing - and grateful that my body, mind and soul will gently remind me that I'm not over it all yet.

I weighed 169 pounds at the doctor the other day. I can't honestly remember when I last weighed that little. I'm happy about it, but there are complications, such as 1. I have had to buy new clothes and 2. when I stop nursing, my weight is likely to balloon unless I have made sincere changes to my lifestyle to offset the difference. I'm trying... but I am not superwoman or supermom yet.

Money is always a worry, but I'm not letting it get me down right now. I've become a better manager of money (although there still isn't ever any) and I am determined to learn more (and to teach the kids). Liam and I are talking about how he will get his own bank account when he turns 4.

I've been lonely. Not that I haven't had friends and family to entertain me and fill my life with joy. And I'm not even complaining about the loneliness. I think that it's better to embrace it and use it as an opportunity to shake things up a little, to live in itchy skin, to find things I like and don't like in myself and not just see my reflection bounced off of another person. I see other lonely people and I realize that we all use loneliness as an excuse to make poor choices. I need to grow up and grow out of that. I need to use being alone as an opportunity to love myself. I need to trust that, even though one particular intimate relationship didn't work out, there will be other successes.

I'm taking the kids to Pittsburgh next weekend for my 10-year grad school reunion and to visit beloved friends. I'm also taking them to NYC Nov 10-13 for a long visit with family and friends. I'm excited to be able to travel with them and show them two of my favorite places in the world.

The kids had professional pictures taken yesterday - I'll post some when I get the proofs!

Sorry I'm only touching on a tiny bit of what's happening in my life, but it was great to finally write some of this down. Show me some love in the comments, would ya? :-)

***

I know what makes me comfortable
I know what makes me tick
And when I need to get my way I know how to pour it on thick
Cream and sugar in my coffee
Right away when I awake
I face the day and pray to God I won't make the same mistakes
Oh the rest is out of my hands

I will learn to let go what I cannot change
I will learn to forgive what I cannot change
I will learn to love what I cannot change
But I will change, I will change
Whatever I, whenever I can

I don't know my father or my mother well enough
It seems like everytime we talk we cant get past the little stuff
The pain is self-inflicting, I know it's not good for my health
But it's easier to please the world than it is to please myself
Oh the rest is out of my hands

I will learn to let go what I cannot change
I will learn to forgive what I cannot change
I will learn to love what I cannot change
But I will change, I will change
Whatever I, whenever I can

Right now I cannot care about how everyone else feels
I have enough hurt of my own to heal

I will learn to let go what I cannot change
I will learn to forgive what I cannot change
I will learn to let go what I cannot change
I will learn to forgive what I cannot change
I will learn to love what I cannot change
But I will change, I will change
Whatever I, whenever I can

-- LeAnn Rimes "What I Can Not Change"